Jokes

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A man walks into the World Trade Centre and asks if he can buy a Boeing. The clerk he's speaking to is rather puzzled and says, "What on earth makes you think we sell Boeings?" The man replies, "Well, you have one in your window!"

A man is feeling very depressed and so he calls up the Samaritans. He gets through to a call centre in Pakistan and says he's feeling suicidal. On hearing this, they started getting excited and asked if the man knew how to fly a plane.

A reporter was asking Tony Blair several questions at Number 10 Downing Street. The reporter asked, "What proof do you have that Iraq has weapons of mass destruction?" Blair replied: "We've kept the receipts."

How do you ruin a party? Make George Bush the leader.

Have you heard that flat chested women have a 50% higher suicide rate than women with naturally large breasts? This is no joke, I just wanted to share the awesome news!

Two beggars are sitting on a park bench and one is holding a Christian cross while the other is holding a Star of David. Both are holding out hats to collect money. People walk by, lift their noses at the man with the Star of David and drop money in the hat held by the man with the cross. Soon the hat of the man with the cross is overflowing with coins and notes and the hat of the man with the Star of David is empty. A priest watches and then approaches the men. He turns to the man with the Star of David and says: "Young man. Don't you realize that this is a Catholic country? You'll never get any contributions here by holding a Star of David." The man with the Star of David turns to the man with the cross and says: "Moishe, can you imagine, this guy is trying to tell us how to run our business."

What do you get when you put 50 lesbians and 50 politicians in a room together? A hundred people who don't do dick.

Why did the chicken cross the hockey field? He heard the referee was blowing fouls.

Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper? He sold his sole to Santa.

How many witches does it take to change a light bulb? Into what?

What do a coffin and a condom have in common? They both contain stiffs. What is the difference between the stiffs? One's going, the other's coming.

A man's wife sends him out to fetch some snails since her French parents are coming round for supper. The man goes out, gets the snails, and then pops into a pub for a beer. He gets carried away and has one drink after another. Before he knows, it's nine 'o clock and he's very late. He rushes home, empties the snails onto the doorstep and rings the bell. His wife opens up and shouts: "Where the hell have you been for the last three hours!!" The man turns round, gestures to the snails and says, "Come on lads, we're almost there!"

A man is walking down the road when he sees a little boy trying to ring a doorbell. The boy is too short and just can't reach, so the man goes over and rings the bell. "Now what, my little man?" he asks. The boy says, "Now we run like hell!"

How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb? Just two. You drop them in and they go right at it.

"Mummy, mummy, can I lick the bowl?" "No, just flush it like everyone else."

A man walks into a bar and orders a beer. "Certainly sir," replies the barman. "That will be 20 cents." "20 cents?!" shouts the man. "That's incredible! How much is the food in this place?" he asks. "I recommend the steak dinner," says the barman. "You get a large steak, plus potatoes, vegetables and extra gravy for just 99 cents." "Wow, how does the owner manage to make a profit with such low prices?" asks the man. "Well, you'd have to ask the owner, but he's upstairs with my wife right now," replies the barman. "Oh? And what's he doing up there?" asks the man. The barman replies: "The same as I'm doing to his business."

Why are dolphins smarter than humans? Within three hours they can train a man to stand at the side of a pool and feed them fish!

If ignorance is bliss, then tourists are in a constant state of euphoria.