Jokes

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Why did the chicken cross the hockey field? He heard the referee was blowing fouls.

Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper? He sold his sole to Santa.

How many witches does it take to change a light bulb? Into what?

What do a coffin and a condom have in common? They both contain stiffs. What is the difference between the stiffs? One's going, the other's coming.

A man's wife sends him out to fetch some snails since her French parents are coming round for supper. The man goes out, gets the snails, and then pops into a pub for a beer. He gets carried away and has one drink after another. Before he knows, it's nine 'o clock and he's very late. He rushes home, empties the snails onto the doorstep and rings the bell. His wife opens up and shouts: "Where the hell have you been for the last three hours!!" The man turns round, gestures to the snails and says, "Come on lads, we're almost there!"

A man is walking down the road when he sees a little boy trying to ring a doorbell. The boy is too short and just can't reach, so the man goes over and rings the bell. "Now what, my little man?" he asks. The boy says, "Now we run like hell!"

How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb? Just two. You drop them in and they go right at it.

"Mummy, mummy, can I lick the bowl?" "No, just flush it like everyone else."

A man walks into a bar and orders a beer. "Certainly sir," replies the barman. "That will be 20 cents." "20 cents?!" shouts the man. "That's incredible! How much is the food in this place?" he asks. "I recommend the steak dinner," says the barman. "You get a large steak, plus potatoes, vegetables and extra gravy for just 99 cents." "Wow, how does the owner manage to make a profit with such low prices?" asks the man. "Well, you'd have to ask the owner, but he's upstairs with my wife right now," replies the barman. "Oh? And what's he doing up there?" asks the man. The barman replies: "The same as I'm doing to his business."

He is startled to discover that the beer costs just 20 cents.

Why are dolphins smarter than humans? Within three hours they can train a man to stand at the side of a pool and feed them fish!

If ignorance is bliss, then tourists are in a constant state of euphoria.

A little girl goes up to her father. "Daddy, why did my cat lie with his legs in the air when he died?" Her father thinks for a bit and then says, "His legs were up so Jesus could grab hold of him and pull him up to heaven." "Oh my God!," the little girl says. "That means Mummy almost died this morning!" Her father asks what happened, so the little girl says, "This morning I saw Mummy in the bedroom with her legs in the air. She was shouting 'Oh, Jesus, I'm coming!' and if it hadn't been for the postman holding her down, Jesus would have got her!"

How many cops does it take to screw in a light bulb? None - it turned itself in.

What do you call a hillbill who owns sheep and goats? Bisexual.

Two fat men are in a pub. 'Your round,' says the one. 'And so are you, you fat prick!' replies the other.

Two elderly men are eating breakfast when the one notices a suppository sticking out of the other's ear. He alerts his friend, who says, 'I'm glad you spotted that - now I know where I put my hearing aid!'

They presented him with a cup when he was a boxer. It was to keep his teeth in.

A Southern Baptist minister is addressing his congregation. 'A member of this church has suggested I am a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I call on them to stand up now and explain why such an outrageous lie has been spread through the community.' A gorgeous blonde stands up nervously. 'You?!' says the minister. 'My own sister-in-law? Why would you tell such lies about me?' 'I didn't mean to,' says the blonde. 'I just told my hairdresser you were a wizard under the sheet.'

Paddy dies in a fire but, since he is very badly burnt, the police need help to double-check the identity of the body. Paddy's two best friends, Michael and Sean, are sent for. Paddy's face has been burnt away, so Michael and Sean ask the coroner to turn the body over. 'No, that's not him,' says Michael when he sees the corpse's backside. 'He's right. It defintely could not be Paddy,' says Sean. 'Are you certain?' says the cornoner. 'We have ood reason to believe this is Paddy.' 'It can't be,' says Michael. 'Paddy had two arseholdes.' 'How do you know that?' asked the cornoner. 'Because,' says Sean, 'Whenever me, Paddy and Michael went into town everyone would say, "Hey look, there's Paddy with the two arseholes."'

Two men, Mike and Jake, go on a skiing trip and get caught in a blizzard. They make their way to a farm and ask the lady of the house, a good-looking widow, if they can sleep on her couch. She agrees and they turn in for the night. The following day they go on their and enjoy a weekend of skiing. A few months later Mike gets a letter from the widow's lawyer. He says to Jake, 'You remember that attractive widow we stayed with on our skiing trip?' 'Yes,' Jake replies. 'In the middle of the night did you go up to her room and have sex with her?' asks Mike. 'Yes,' replies Jake, a little embarrassed. 'And did you use my name instead of yours whilst having sex?' 'Yes,' Jake replies. 'Sorry about that.' 'That's OK,' says Mike, 'It seems you must have been pretty good because she's just died and left everything to me.'

Do you know why the holiday camp sacked the hypnotist? He hypnotised the entire audience, tripped over a stool and said, 'Crap!'