Jokes

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At the age of 95 an old woman was distraught at being a widow and decided to join her husband in death. To make sure she committed suicide properly she phoned her doctor and asked where the human heart is located. The doctor told her that it was just below the left breast. Hearing this, she took a revolver and placed it below her left breast and fired. Half an hour later she was admitted to hospital for a gunshot wound - to the left of her bellybutton.

A drunk comes across a baptismal service by a river and is noticed by the minister, who asks him if he's ready to find Jesus. The drunk replies: 'Yess, I shur am!' The minister pushes the drunk under the water, pulls him back up and asks if he's found Jesus. 'No, I shur din't.' The minister pushes the drunk under the water again, but the drunk says he still hasn't found Jesus. After the third time the minster says, 'Sinner, are you positive you haven't found Jesus?' The drunk replies, 'Yep, I'm shur. Are YOU sure this is where he fell in?'

A man in a bar approaches the man next to him and asks if he would like to hear an accountant joke. The man replies, 'Well, I think you should know that I'm an accountant, I'm 6 ft 2 in tall and go to the gym three times a week. And the guy sitting next to me is 6 ft tall and weights 220 pounds, and he's an accountant too. Now would you still like to tell that joke?' This first man says, 'No way! Not if I'm going to have to explain it twice.'

The owner of a hardware store is alarmed when a huge new hardware store opens up next to him, erecting a large sign saying, 'Best Deals.' He's horrified when another huge hardware store opens up on the other side of his store putting up an even bigger sign saying, 'Lowest Prices.' The shopkeeper suddenly has a bright idea. He puts a big sign over his own shop saying, 'Main Entrance.'

Three old ladies are discussing the negative aspects of old age. The one says, 'Sometimes I find myself with a loaf of bread in my hand and can't remember whether I need to put it away or make a sandwich.' The second lady says, 'Sometimes I find myself on the stairs and can't remember if I'm going up or down.' The third one says, 'Well my memory is perfect - touch wood.' She raps her knuckles on the table, then says, 'You two stay here - I'll get the door.'

A man goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot. The owner shows him three parrots that have been trained in accounting. The owner points to one and says 'That parrot costs $500'. 'Why so much?' asks the man. 'It knows how to do complex audits,' replies the shop owner. 'How much does that one cost then,' asks the man, pointing to the second parrot. 'That one costs $1 000,' replies the owner. 'It can do all the first one can, plus it knows how to prepare financial forecasts.' The man asks about the third parrot and is told that $5 000. 'So what can it do?' asks the man. 'Well to be honest,' replies the owner, 'I've never seen it do anything at all. But the other two call it Senior Partner.'

Two old men are sitting in an old people's home when one of the female residents runs past completely naked. 'What was that she was wearing?' asks the first. 'I don't know,' replies the second, 'But it sure needed ironing.'

A pastor goes to visit and old woman in a nursing home. It turns out that she's fast asleep, so he sits next to the bed. He soon gets bored and notices a bowl of peanuts nearby. He starts eating and by the time the woman wakes up he's finished the whole bowl. 'Oh, I'm sorry,' he says to the old woman, 'I didn't mean to finish the whole bowl.' 'That's alright,' replies the woman. 'Ever since I lost my teeth all I can do is suck the chocolate off them.'

A guest is visiting his host's house and sees a stuffed lion's head mounted on the wall. 'What an awesome trophy,' the man says to his host.' 'I wouldn't call it great,' replies the host, 'that blasted lion killed my wife.' 'That's terrible,' says the man, 'were you on safari?' 'No,' replies the host, 'it fell on her head.'

A convention to prove that accountants aren't stupid is set up in a massive stadium. Accountants from all over the world watch as the presenter calls up the first volunteer accountant and asks him 'what is 15 plus 15?' After 20 seconds the volunteer replies '19.' All the accountants in the stadium are disappointed and shout, 'Give him another chance! Give him another chance!' The presenter agrees and asks, 'What is five plus five?' Half a minute later the volunteer replies, '100?' Everyone is again disappointed and the accountants demand that the volunteer gets another chance. So the presenter says, 'Okay, one last chance. What is four plus four?' The accountant concentrates hard and five minutes later says 'eight.' The accountants then start yelling, 'Give him another chance! Give him another chance!'