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What do a coffin and a condom have in
common? They both contain stiffs. What is the difference between
the stiffs? One's going, the other's coming.
A man's wife sends him out to fetch some
snails since her French parents are coming round for supper. The
man goes out, gets the snails, and then pops into a pub for a beer.
He gets carried away and has one drink after another. Before he
knows, it's nine 'o clock and he's very late. He rushes home, empties
the snails onto the doorstep and rings the bell. His wife opens
up and shouts: "Where the hell have you been for the last three
hours!!" The man turns round, gestures to the snails and says,
"Come on lads, we're almost there!"
A man is walking down the road when he
sees a little boy trying to ring a doorbell. The boy is too short
and just can't reach, so the man goes over and rings the bell. "Now
what, my little man?" he asks. The boy says, "Now we run
How many mice does it take to screw in
a light bulb? Just two. You drop them in and they go right at it.
"Mummy, mummy, can I lick the bowl?"
"No, just flush it like everyone else."
A man walks into a bar and orders a beer.
"Certainly sir," replies the barman. "That will be
20 cents." "20 cents?!" shouts the man. "That's
incredible! How much is the food in this place?" he asks. "I
recommend the steak dinner," says the barman. "You get
a large steak, plus potatoes, vegetables and extra gravy for just
99 cents." "Wow, how does the owner manage to make a profit
with such low prices?" asks the man. "Well, you'd have
to ask the owner, but he's upstairs with my wife right now,"
replies the barman. "Oh? And what's he doing up there?"
asks the man. The barman replies: "The same as I'm doing to
Why are dolphins smarter than humans?
Within three hours they can train a man to stand at the side of
a pool and feed them fish!
If ignorance is bliss, then tourists
are in a constant state of euphoria.