Jokes

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What do a coffin and a condom have in common? They both contain stiffs. What is the difference between the stiffs? One's going, the other's coming.

A man's wife sends him out to fetch some snails since her French parents are coming round for supper. The man goes out, gets the snails, and then pops into a pub for a beer. He gets carried away and has one drink after another. Before he knows, it's nine 'o clock and he's very late. He rushes home, empties the snails onto the doorstep and rings the bell. His wife opens up and shouts: "Where the hell have you been for the last three hours!!" The man turns round, gestures to the snails and says, "Come on lads, we're almost there!"

A man is walking down the road when he sees a little boy trying to ring a doorbell. The boy is too short and just can't reach, so the man goes over and rings the bell. "Now what, my little man?" he asks. The boy says, "Now we run like hell!"

How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb? Just two. You drop them in and they go right at it.

"Mummy, mummy, can I lick the bowl?" "No, just flush it like everyone else."

A man walks into a bar and orders a beer. "Certainly sir," replies the barman. "That will be 20 cents." "20 cents?!" shouts the man. "That's incredible! How much is the food in this place?" he asks. "I recommend the steak dinner," says the barman. "You get a large steak, plus potatoes, vegetables and extra gravy for just 99 cents." "Wow, how does the owner manage to make a profit with such low prices?" asks the man. "Well, you'd have to ask the owner, but he's upstairs with my wife right now," replies the barman. "Oh? And what's he doing up there?" asks the man. The barman replies: "The same as I'm doing to his business."

Why are dolphins smarter than humans? Within three hours they can train a man to stand at the side of a pool and feed them fish!

If ignorance is bliss, then tourists are in a constant state of euphoria.