Jokes

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A big game hunter goes on safari with his wife and mother-in-law. One evening the wife wakes up to find her mother gone. She rushes to find her husband, he picks up his gun, and they go out looking for the mother-in-law. Soon they come upon a chilling sight: the mother-in-law is backed up against a rock with a lion facing her. 'Oh my God! What are we going to do?' the wife asks. 'Nothing,' the husband replies. 'That lion got himself into that mess and he's going to have go get himself out of it.'

I bet on a very good horse yesterday. It took seven other horses to beat him!

A small boy is walking slowly to school. 'Hurry up! You'll be late!' shouts his mother. 'There's no rush,' the boy replies. 'They're open until three-thirty.'

He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

Two cannibals, a father and son, walk into the jungle to look for something to eat. Before long they come across a little old man. The son says, 'Dad, how about him?' 'No,' says the father. 'There's not enough meat on him. We'll wait.' A little whilte later a really fat woman comes along. The son says, 'Hey Dad, how about her?' 'No,' says the father. 'With all that fat we'd die of a heart attack if we ate her. We'll wait.' An hour later an absolutely gorgeous woman walks by. The son says, 'There's nothing wrong with this one, Dad. Let's eat her.' 'No we won't,' says the father. 'Why not?' asks the son. 'Because,' says the father, 'we're going to take her home and eat your mother.'

A little boy is raiding the freezer for ice-cream when his mother catches him. 'Put that ice-cream back,' she scolds. 'Dinner is only an hour away.' 'But I'm bored and hungry,' the boy says. 'I've got no one to play with.' 'All right,' says his mother, 'I'll play with you for a few minutes. What do you want to do?' 'I want to play Mummies and Daddies,' says the boy. 'But you have to sit in that chair and be mummy.' The boy's mother does so and says, 'So now what? Are you going to be Daddy?' 'Yes,' the boy replies. He takes a deep breath and shouts: 'Now get off your fat arse, you lazy cow, and bring me some ice-cream!'

What do you call a cockney in a detached house? A burglar.

A farmer living near a country road is increasingly worried by speeding traffic. Concerned that he and his livestock are in danger he calls the police and asks them to put up a sign. They put up a 'Slow' sign, but it has no effect. They try putting up a 'Pedestrian Crossing' sign, but that has no effect either. Finally they try erecting a 'Children at Play' sign, but the traffic keeps shooting by. Eventually the farmer asks if he can put up his own sign and the police agree. A few days later a policeman stops by to see how things are going. He's amazed to see the traffic moving at a snail's pace, then he notices the farmer's home-made sign by the road. It reads, 'Nudist Colony'.

How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but the light bulb has to WANT to change.

The propellor on an aircraft is just a big fan to cool the pilot. If you want proof, just look how he sweats when it stops!