Jokes

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Why do blondes have to take their drivers tests ten times? Because whenever the car stops, they jump in the back seat.

What do blondes make best for dinner? Reservations.

Two goldfish are in a tank. The one turns to the other and says: 'Do you know how to drive this thing?'

A young man is trying out his new sports car on a quiet country lane. He's doing around 140 km/h when he turns a corner and sees a couple of farmers standing in the middle of the road chatting. He wrenches the wheel sideways, the car shoots up an embankment, flies through the air, and crashes in the middle of an adjacent field. One of the farmers turns to the other and says, 'That was lucky. I reckon we got out of that field in the nick of time.'

A bus conductor asks a drunk for his ticket. The drunk rummages through his pockets but can't find the ticket. 'Never mind,' says the conductor, 'I'm sure you paid for your ticket.' 'Never mind that,' the drunk says. 'If I can't find my ticket, how am I supposed to know where I'm going?'

A man says to a woman: 'Have you ever had sex?' 'That's my business!' she replies. 'Oh, I see,' the man says. 'So you're a professional.'

Once over the hill you pick up speed.

A university lecturer addresses a class for the first time and says: 'If there are any idiots in the classroom, will they please stand up now.' One of the students stands up. 'Well, well, well,' says the lecturer, 'Why do you consider yourself an idiot?' 'I don't consider myself an idiot,' the student replies, 'It's just that I hated to see you standing there all by yourself.'

One man says to another: 'Did you hear the joke about the archaeologist who had two skulls of Cleopatra, one as a young girl, and the other as a grown woman?' 'No,' says his friend. 'Let's hear it then.'

A young woman brings her boyfriend, a theology student, home to meet her parents. 'Do you own a house?' the father asks. 'No, but God will provide,' the young man replies. 'And how do you intend to earn a living?' the father asks. 'I don't know, but God will provide,' the student replies. 'Have you made any long-term plans?' asks the father. 'No,' the young man replies, 'but I trust God will provide.' Later the mother asks what her husband thought of their potential son-in-law. 'Well, he seems broke and fairly stupid, but on the other hand he thinks I'm God.'