Jokes

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Two men are having a drink and the one says: 'You know, I had sex with my wife before we were married. How about you?' The other man says, 'Well, I don't know...what was her maiden name?'

A junior partner in a law firm is sent to represent a client accused of murder. After a long trial, the case is won and the client acquitted. The young lawyer telegraphs his firm with the message, 'Justice prevailed'. The senior partner immediately replies, 'Appeal immediately'.

A man is about to be put into the electric chair and the prison chaplain asks if there's anything he can do for him in his dying moments. 'Yes there is,' the prisoner replies. 'Can you hold my hand?'

What has four legs and an arm? A happy pit bull!

Three women are comparing their sex lives. The first says, 'My husband is an architect and our love-making is powerful and focused.' The second woman says, 'My husband is an artist and our love-making is passionate, sensual and emotional.' The third woman says, 'Well, my husband works for Microsoft and when it comes time to make love he sits at the end of the bed in the dark telling me how good it will be when we finally get started.'

A man sits down at a restaurant and looks at the menu. He tells the waiter, 'I think I will have the turtle soup'. The waiter leaves, but the man changes his mind and decides to order pea soup instead. He shouts to the waiter, 'Hold the turtle, make it pea.'

President Clinton is out jogging, and he encounters a man with some puppies. Clinton asks the man what kind of puppies they are, and the man responds, 'They're Democrat puppies, Mr. President.' Clinton thinks that is so great that the next day he brings the first lady to see these puppies for herself. He asks the man to tell Hillary what kind of puppies they are, and the man responds, 'They're Republican puppies.' The president looks puzzled and says, 'Yesterday, you told me they were Democrat puppies.' The man smiles and says, 'Yesterday, they were. But today, they have their eyes open!'

Before you criticise someone you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticise them you're a mile away and have their shoes.

A lonely frog goes to a fortune teller. 'You're going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you,' the fortune teller says. The frog is ecstatic. 'That's great!' he croaks. 'Where will I meet her? At a party?' 'No,' the fortune teller replies. 'You'll meet her in a biology class.'

A Sunday school teacher asks her pupils where God lives. A small boy sticks up his hand and says, 'Miss, God lives in our bathroom.' 'In your bathroom?' says the teacher. 'Why do you think He lives there?' The boy replies, 'Because every morning my daddy bangs on the bathroom door and shouts, "God, are you still in there?!"'