Jokes
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A golfer is being given a lesson by a pro but on his
first swing he hits the ball in the path of a bus. The ball smashes
the windscreen of the bus and knocks out the driver. The bus hurtles
off the road into a reservoir and disappears in a seething mass
of bubbles. 'Oh my God,' says the golfer, 'what am I going to do?'
The pro replies: 'Well, I'd loosen your grip and keep your back
straighter.'
God and the Devil arrange a cricket match and the
Devil places a huge bet on the outcome of the match. 'You're very
confident,' God says. 'I've got the finest players ever born on
my side.' 'Yes,' replies the Devil, 'But I've got all the umpires.'
Why can't blondes make ice cubes? They can't remember
the recipe.
A little boy is in his back garden filling in a hole.
A neighbour looks over the fence and asks what he's doing. 'Well,
I'm burying my pet goldfish,' says the boy. 'That's a very big hole
for a goldfish, isn't it?' comments the neighbour. 'Not really,'
the boy replies. 'It's inside your blasted cat.'
A young woman goes to confession. 'Bless me father,
for I have sinned,' she says. 'Last night my boyfriend made love
to me seven times.' 'My child,' replies the priest, 'you must go
home and suck the juice of seven lemons.' 'And will that absolve
me?' asks the woman. 'No,' the priest replies, 'but it might take
that smug look off your face.'
A man walks into a butcher shop. The butcher points
to some beef hanging from the rack and says, 'I bet you $20 you
can't reach that meat.' 'No thanks,' the man replies, 'the steaks
are too high.'
What has 50 legs but can't walk? Half a centipede!
Children brighten a home - they never turn the lights
off.
An engineer dies and is sent to hell. He sets to work
on the amenities and after a while they have hot and cold running
water, air conditioning and flush toilets. One day God hears about
the increasing comfort levels in hell and demands that the engineer
is sent up to heaven. 'No way,' says the Devil. 'I like having an
engineer around. I'm keeping him.' God says, 'Send him up here or
I'll sue.' The Devil replies: 'Oh yeah? And just where are you going
to get a lawyer?'
A middle-aged man takes up ballroom dancing but it
doesn't turn out very well for him. During a two-step he treads
on his partner. He apologises, saying, 'I'm sorry, but I'm a little
stiff from badmington.' His partner replies, 'I don't care where
you're from. Just keep off my feet.'
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