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A golfer is being given a lesson by a pro but on his first swing he hits the ball in the path of a bus. The ball smashes the windscreen of the bus and knocks out the driver. The bus hurtles off the road into a reservoir and disappears in a seething mass of bubbles. 'Oh my God,' says the golfer, 'what am I going to do?' The pro replies: 'Well, I'd loosen your grip and keep your back straighter.'


God and the Devil arrange a cricket match and the Devil places a huge bet on the outcome of the match. 'You're very confident,' God says. 'I've got the finest players ever born on my side.' 'Yes,' replies the Devil, 'But I've got all the umpires.'


Why can't blondes make ice cubes? They can't remember the recipe.


A little boy is in his back garden filling in a hole. A neighbour looks over the fence and asks what he's doing. 'Well, I'm burying my pet goldfish,' says the boy. 'That's a very big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?' comments the neighbour. 'Not really,' the boy replies. 'It's inside your blasted cat.'


A young woman goes to confession. 'Bless me father, for I have sinned,' she says. 'Last night my boyfriend made love to me seven times.' 'My child,' replies the priest, 'you must go home and suck the juice of seven lemons.' 'And will that absolve me?' asks the woman. 'No,' the priest replies, 'but it might take that smug look off your face.'


A man walks into a butcher shop. The butcher points to some beef hanging from the rack and says, 'I bet you $20 you can't reach that meat.' 'No thanks,' the man replies, 'the steaks are too high.'


What has 50 legs but can't walk? Half a centipede!


Children brighten a home - they never turn the lights off.


An engineer dies and is sent to hell. He sets to work on the amenities and after a while they have hot and cold running water, air conditioning and flush toilets. One day God hears about the increasing comfort levels in hell and demands that the engineer is sent up to heaven. 'No way,' says the Devil. 'I like having an engineer around. I'm keeping him.' God says, 'Send him up here or I'll sue.' The Devil replies: 'Oh yeah? And just where are you going to get a lawyer?'


A middle-aged man takes up ballroom dancing but it doesn't turn out very well for him. During a two-step he treads on his partner. He apologises, saying, 'I'm sorry, but I'm a little stiff from badmington.' His partner replies, 'I don't care where you're from. Just keep off my feet.'

 

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