Jokes

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A man decides to move to the country and buy some livestock. He goes to a farmer and says, 'I want to buy a rooster, a chicken and a donkey.' 'Sure,' says the farmer. 'But there are a few thing you should know. Around here we call a rooster a cock, a chicken a pullet and a donkey an ass. Now I can sell you all three but you better watch the ass - he's a bit bad-tempered and if he tries to bite you you have to scrath his ears to calm him down.' So the man tucks the pullet and the cock under his arms and starts to ride the ass home. Unfortunately the ass starts trying to bite the man so he stops and gets off. He remembers the advice about scratching the ears, but can't do anything as he has a bird under each arm. At this moment a little old lady passes by. 'Excuse me,' says the man. 'Could you do me a favour? I need someone to hold my cock and pullet while I scratch my ass...'

Why is it that when a man talks nasty to a woman it's sexual harrassment, but when a woman talks dirty to a man it's $10 a minute?

'Doctor, doctor, I think I'm shrinking.' 'Now settle down. You'll just have to be a little patient.'

A young Catholic Irish boy falls in love with a girl and he takes her home to meet his parents. They are all sitting in the living room when the mother asks the girl what she does. The girlfriend hesitates, then says, 'I'm a prostitute.' The boy's mother immediately screams, faints and has to be brought around with some water. 'Forgive me, my dear,' says the mother, 'But I don't think I heard you correctly. Did you say you were a prostitute?' 'Yes,' says the girl. The mother chuckles, breathes a sigh of relief and says, 'Thank goodness! I thought you said you were a Protestant.'

A quarter of all men kiss their wives goodbye when they leave the house. Of these same men, 90 per cent kiss their house goodbye when their wife leaves.

A medical student holding a syringe approaches a patient. 'Don't worry,' he says, 'it's just a little prick with a needle.' 'I can see that,' replies the patien. 'But what are you doing to do with it?'

While giving a physical, a doctor notices that his patient's shins are covered in dark, deep bruises. 'Tell me,' says the doctor, 'Do you play hockey or soccer?' 'No,' says the man, 'But my wife and I play bridge.'

A worker goes to his boss and says, 'You have to give me a rise. I have three other companies after me.' 'Really,' says the manager. 'And what companies are those?' The worker replies, 'The electricity company, the water company and the gas company.'

People go to a psychologist when they're slightly cracked and don't stop until they're completely broke.

What's the Cuban national anthem? 'Row, row, row your boat.'