Jokes

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A man goes on holiday to Jamaica. His wife, who is on a business trip, will join him the next day. When he arrives he sends his wife a quick e-mail, but mistypes the address. The next day the wife of a recently dead preacher checks her e-mail, screams, and dies of a heart attack. Her family finds a disturbing message on her screen: 'Dearest Wife, just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Your Loving Husband. P.S. Sure is hot down here.'

A man comes home after a hard day at work and sits down in front of the TV. He calls out to his wife, 'Honey, please bring me a beer; it's about to start'. Fifteen minutes later he calls his wife again, 'Bring me another beer. It's going to start any minute now.' His wife storms over and starts shouting at him, 'Are you going to just sit here drinking beer all night? You've got to be the laziest, most slobbish-' The husband interrupts her with a sigh and says, 'Looks like it's started.'

A wife is nagging her husband at a company picnic. 'Doesn't it embarrass you that people have seen you go up to the buffet table five times!?' 'Not a bit,' replies the husband. 'I just tell them I'm filling the plate for you!'

Why does ET have bulging eyes? He saw the phone bill.

A man and a woman are at a party. The man makes his move on the woman and says, 'Hey baby, don't I know you from somewhere?' To which the woman replies, 'Probably. I'm the receptionist at the Venereal Disease Clinic.'

A new worker at a firm asks a colleague how long he's been working there. The old hand replies, 'Ever since the boss threatened to fire me!'

A man and a woman are in the same carriage on a sleeper train. The man is on the top bunk and the woman on the bottom. During the night the man gets cold and so he wakes up the woman and asks her for another blanket. She says to him, 'How about just for tonight we pretend that we're married?' 'Yeah, that sounds great!' says the man. So the woman then snaps, 'Great! Now go and get you own damn blanket!'

A couple of guys are out playing golf when another man comes along and asks if he can join them. They agree and during the subsequent conversation it emerges that the stranger is a hitman. The first of the two guys doesn't believe the stranger, so the hitman pulls out a rifle with a huge telescopic lense from his golf bag. The first man is impressed and holds the weapon. He looks through the sight and says, 'Wow! This is amazing. I can see my house from here! There's my bedroom window... and my wife's on the bed... with my neighbour and they're both naked!' The shocked man turns to the hitman and says, 'How much to shoot my lying wife in the mouth and my cheating neighbour in the dick?!' The hitman says, 'I get five thousand bucks every time I pull the trigger.' He aims his rifle and pauses. 'What are you waiting for?' asks the first man. The hitman replies, 'I'm trying to save you five thousand bucks!'

A man is about to be shot by a firing squad. He is allowed one request, so he asks if he can sing his favourite song from beginning to end, without interruption. The head guard tells him he can do that, so he starts singing, 'One billion bottles of beer on the wall, one billion bottles of beer...'

A mafia don is on his deathbed when he calls for his son. The son comes in and the don says, 'Listen son, I'm going to die. I want you to have my gun.' And so he takes out his gun but the son refuses it. 'Father, you know how I hate guns. Why don't you give me your watch instead?' So the don says, 'Oh yeah? When you walk in on some guy cheating on your wife are you going to take out your gun and shoot him or point to your watch and say, "Hey buddy, time's up!"?'