Jokes

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Two elderly men are eating breakfast when the one notices a suppository sticking out of the other's ear. He alerts his friend, who says, 'I'm glad you spotted that - now I know where I put my hearing aid!'

They presented him with a cup when he was a boxer. It was to keep his teeth in.

A Southern Baptist minister is addressing his congregation. 'A member of this church has suggested I am a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I call on them to stand up now and explain why such an outrageous lie has been spread through the community.' A gorgeous blonde stands up nervously. 'You?!' says the minister. 'My own sister-in-law? Why would you tell such lies about me?' 'I didn't mean to,' says the blonde. 'I just told my hairdresser you were a wizard under the sheet.'

Paddy dies in a fire but, since he is very badly burnt, the police need help to double-check the identity of the body. Paddy's two best friends, Michael and Sean, are sent for. Paddy's face has been burnt away, so Michael and Sean ask the coroner to turn the body over. 'No, that's not him,' says Michael when he sees the corpse's backside. 'He's right. It defintely could not be Paddy,' says Sean. 'Are you certain?' says the cornoner. 'We have ood reason to believe this is Paddy.' 'It can't be,' says Michael. 'Paddy had two arseholdes.' 'How do you know that?' asked the cornoner. 'Because,' says Sean, 'Whenever me, Paddy and Michael went into town everyone would say, "Hey look, there's Paddy with the two arseholes."'

Two men, Mike and Jake, go on a skiing trip and get caught in a blizzard. They make their way to a farm and ask the lady of the house, a good-looking widow, if they can sleep on her couch. She agrees and they turn in for the night. The following day they go on their and enjoy a weekend of skiing. A few months later Mike gets a letter from the widow's lawyer. He says to Jake, 'You remember that attractive widow we stayed with on our skiing trip?' 'Yes,' Jake replies. 'In the middle of the night did you go up to her room and have sex with her?' asks Mike. 'Yes,' replies Jake, a little embarrassed. 'And did you use my name instead of yours whilst having sex?' 'Yes,' Jake replies. 'Sorry about that.' 'That's OK,' says Mike, 'It seems you must have been pretty good because she's just died and left everything to me.'

Do you know why the holiday camp sacked the hypnotist? He hypnotised the entire audience, tripped over a stool and said, 'Crap!'

What do a Christmas tree and a priest have in common? The balls are just for decoration.

If a lawyer and a tax official were both drowning and you could only save one of them, what would you do? Read the paper or go to lunch?

A woman goes to her psychiatrist. 'I can't sleep at night,' she says. 'When I'm in the next room, I have this dreadful fear I won't hear the baby if he falls out of the crib. What can I do?' 'Easy,' replies the doctor. 'Take the carpet off the floor.'

A man finds a magic lamp, rubs it and releases a genie. 'What is your wish?' asks the genie. 'Well, I'm a real sex mania, the man replies, 'so I wish that I'm always hard and get more ass than any other man who ever lived.' So the genie turns him into a toilet bowl.

Why don't witches like to ride their brooms when they're angry? They're afraid of flying off the handle.

An English teacher sees a boy staring out the window and calls out a question: 'You there! Give me two pronouns!' The boy looks around and says, 'Who? Me?'

A boss accosts his employee coming through the door at ten 'o clock in the morning. 'You should have been here at nine,' he says. 'Why?' asks the employee. 'What happened?'

When you're on the beach how do you recognise a guy who uses inflatable sex dolls? He doesn't stare at the bikinis; he stares at the beach balls.

A drunk staggers to the men's room of a large restaurant. On the way back to his table he stops and asks a young woman if he stepped on her foot a few minutes before. 'Yes, you did,' she replies angrily. 'Oh good,' says the drunk. 'I knew my table was around here somewhere.'

A boy is wondering through a hotel when he hears passionate sounds coming from a room. Curious, he opens the door to a dark room. 'Wow, it's dark in here,' he says. A man shouts, 'Clear off and leave us alone!' So the boy quickly runs off. The next day the boy passes the laundry room and hears passionate sounds coming from behind the door. He opens the door and says, 'Wow, it's dark in here.' Again a man shouts out, 'Go away and leave us alone!' The next day the boy's mother takes him to his first confession. As he enters the confessional he says, 'Wow, it's dark in here.' The priest says, 'Are you following me around you little brat?!'