Jokes

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A bank keeps getting robbed by the same criminal. A detective interview one of the tellers in order to obtain clues. 'Is there anything distinctive about the robber?' he asks. 'Well,' replies the teller, ' every time he pitches up he's better dressed.'

A couple come across a wishing well. The husband leans over, makes a wish and tosses a penny down the well. The wife leans over too and makes a wish, but leans too far and falls in and drowns. The man then says, 'Wow, it really works!'

A woman is in bed with her husband's best friend when the phone rings. She answers it and the friend hears her say: 'Uh-huh, sure, wonderful. OK. Uh-huh. Yah, that's fine. Okay, bye.' She turns to her lover and says, 'That was John. But it's okay, he won't be back for another five hours - he's out playing cards with you.'

A bald man sees a sign outside a barbers shop: 'Baldies: instant treatment for baldness. Get a head of hair just like mine in minutes! Only costs $10 000' and below the sign is a picture of the barber with a luxurious head of hair. So the man goes in and asks: 'Can you guarantee my head will look like yours, instantly, for $10 000?' 'I sure can,' replies the barber. So the bald man hands over $10 000 - and the barber shaves his own hair off.

A man walks into a fish and chip shop and says, 'Fish and chips twice.' The owner replies: 'I heard you the first time.'

An Englishman, a Swede and a Russian are looking at a painting of Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden. The Englishman says, 'Just look at that wonderful garden. Only an Englishmen could have produced such a lovely garden.' The Swede says, 'Rubbish! This is the work of Swedes - see how Adam and Eve are naked and unashamed - they must be Scandinavian.' The Russian then says, 'Nonsense! No clothes, no house, one apple between them and they're told it's paradise - got to be Russian.'

A lawyer is meeting with his client and he announces that, 'The blood tests have come back and we have good news and bad news.' 'What's the bad news?' the client asks. 'Well, your DNA matches the blood found on the victim, the murder weapon and the getaway car.' 'That's pretty bad,' says the client, 'so what's the good news?' The lawyer replies, 'Your cholesterol is down to 120.'

A man escapes from prison and makes his way home. When he gets back his wife says, 'Where have you been?! You escaped eleven hours ago!'

A man goes skydiving but is dismayed to find that his parachute won't open. He tries opening his secondary 'chute, but it also malfunctions. Suddenly he sees a man in blue overalls shooting up towards him. 'Hey,' he shouts, 'do you know anything about parachutes?' 'No,' replies the man, 'do you know anything about gas boilers?'

Comedian: people used to laugh at me when I told them I intended becoming a comedian. Well, they're not laughing now.