A little girl goes up to her father.
"Daddy, why did my cat lie with his legs in the air when he
died?" Her father thinks for a bit and then says, "His
legs were up so Jesus could grab hold of him and pull him up to
heaven." "Oh my God!," the little girl says. "That
means Mummy almost died this morning!" Her alarmed father demands
to know what happened. The little girl says, "This morning
I saw Mummy in the bedroom with her legs in the air. She was shouting
'Oh, Jesus, I'm coming!' and if it hadn't been for the postman holding
her down, Jesus would have got her!"
How many cops does it take to screw in
a light bulb? None - it turned itself in.
What do you call a hillbill who owns
sheep and goats? Bisexual.
Two fat men are in a pub. 'Your round,'
says the one. 'And so are you, you fat prick!' replies the other.
Two elderly men are eating breakfast
when the one notices a suppository sticking out of the other's ear.
He alerts his friend, who says, 'I'm glad you spotted that - now
I know where I put my hearing aid!'
They presented him with a cup when he
was a boxer. It was to keep his teeth in.
A Southern Baptist minister is addressing
his congregation. 'A member of this church has suggested I am a
member of the Ku Klux Klan. I call on them to stand up now and explain
why such an outrageous lie has been spread through the community.'
A gorgeous blonde stands up nervously. 'You?!' says the minister.
'My own sister-in-law? Why would you tell such lies about me?' 'I
didn't mean to,' says the blonde. 'I just told my hairdresser you
were a wizard under the sheet.'
Paddy dies in a fire but, since he is
very badly burnt, the police need help to double-check the identity
of the body. Paddy's two best friends, Michael and Sean, are sent
for. Paddy's face has been burnt away, so Michael and Sean ask the
coroner to turn the body over. 'No, that's not him,' says Michael
when he sees the corpse's backside. 'He's right. It defintely could
not be Paddy,' says Sean. 'Are you certain?' says the cornoner.
'We have ood reason to believe this is Paddy.' 'It can't be,' says
Michael. 'Paddy had two arseholdes.' 'How do you know that?' asked
the cornoner. 'Because,' says Sean, 'Whenever me, Paddy and Michael
went into town everyone would say, "Hey look, there's Paddy
with the two arseholes."'
Two men, Mike and Jake, go on a skiing
trip and get caught in a blizzard. They make their way to a farm
and ask the lady of the house, a good-looking widow, if they can
sleep on her couch. She agrees and they turn in for the night. The
following day they go on their way and enjoy a weekend of skiing.
A few months later Mike gets a letter from the widow's lawyer. He
says to Jake, 'You remember that attractive widow we stayed with
on our skiing trip?' 'Yes,' Jake replies. 'In the middle of the
night did you go up to her room and have sex with her?' asks Mike.
'Yes,' replies Jake, a little embarrassed. 'And did you use my name
instead of yours whilst having sex?' 'Yes,' Jake replies. 'Sorry
about that.' 'That's OK,' says Mike, 'It seems you must have been
pretty good because she's just died and left everything to me.'
Do you know why the holiday camp sacked
the hypnotist? He hypnotised the entire audience, tripped over a
stool and said, 'Crap!'